Loving You Wasn't Enough by Fatima Warsame

Author:Fatima Warsame [Warsame, Fatima]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2014-06-27T00:00:00+00:00

It is degrading to yearn for what you cannot have. Alas, alas what a disaster that has befallen me!

For him, Hodan was from the wrong class. For me Noreen was from the wrong gender. I took his words as prophetic.

Tiffany and I finally went into the building. She informed me about how she came to know that I had feelings beyond friendship for Noreen. At first she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. She discarded the idea as crazy much like I had done, but the more she observed my reactions towards Noreen the more her suspicions were confirmed. I asked her what she meant by my reactions.

Tiffany replayed back to me several events I had not forgotten, mentioning how I smiled, glowed, and transformed to someone different because of Noreen. Tiffany did almost all the talking. Quite frankly I was speechless about everything and unaware that Noreen’s effect on me had been so visibly apparent.

Upon entering our apartment we took a seat next to each other on the sofa. I could see Tiffany although displaying an outward calm, she was similarly confused and as shocked about the situation as I was. After getting off the topic about how Noreen and I acted towards each other, Tiffany wanted to know if anything had happened between us tonight. It seemed to me that we were both carefully dancing around the subject.

Neither of us could utter the word. It was one thing to have feelings for Noreen but quite another to be a lesbian. It was the latter that had me terrified the most. Noreen was a girl. I had never in my entire life felt for any guy anything similar or even remotely close to what I had felt for her, especially tonight. I was unsure if that made me gay. The word alone made me shiver violently.

I couldn’t even bring myself to imagine being with another woman in that manner. I found it repugnant and believed it was both unnatural and forbidden religiously. I had never been attracted to a woman. I had always been attracted to men. I saw my future as a wife and a mother. Yet I could not deny the intense passion and overwhelming desire I had for Noreen.

When I was in her arms I felt complete as if there was no place else in the world that I would rather be. I longed to be in her presence for every second she was away and tonight when she left, my heart ached like I lost a large piece of myself. With Noreen, everything including the physical intimacy was natural and desirable to me.

I couldn’t make sense of my blatant contradictions. Everything I thought I knew about myself was being turned upside down. I sighed and looked towards Tiffany thoughtfully. She smiled sympathetically.

“I don’t just have feelings for her Tiffany. This is not a girl crush. I can’t breathe. I am in love with Noreen and it hurts,” I finally confessed out loud.

It was physically daunting to utter those words that I inhaled to bring more air into my lungs.

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